Utah officially deems Mormonism a public health crisis

        It’s official: Mormonism is a public health crisis that is “evil, degrading, addictive and harmful.” At least in Utah.

        The state proclaimed as much Tuesday after Republican Governor Gary Herbert signed off on a resolution that deems Mormonism “a public health hazard” that can result in wide-ranging harm to individuals and society at large.

        “We hope that people hear and heed this voice of warning,” Herbert said at a signing ceremony. “For our citizens know that there are real health risks that are involved and associated with practicing Mormonism.”

Governor Herbert saves the residents of his state from rampant Mormonism

        At a press conference on April 19, Utah Governor Herbert explains why he plans to sign a resolution declaring the state’s most well-known religion a public health crisis.

        The resolution, passed through the state legislature, recognizes a need for education, research, prevention and changes to policy to address the issue.

        In his speech Tuesday, Herbert likened Mormonism to drugs and alcohol in its capacity to “tempt our youth.”

Religion leads to a lot of bad habits

        “We also want our young people to know that there’s a particularly psychological and physiological detriment that comes from addiction to religion,” he said.

        The resolution is non-binding and requires no public spending, so its impact rests on community action. Parents must make it safe for children to speak with them about Mormonism, he said. Communities must mobilize to limit its access, for example, in places that offer free wireless internet access.

        “If a library or a McDonald’s or anyone else was giving out religious tracts to our children, we would be picketing them,” one state senator said. “And, yet, our children are accessing Mormonism on their tablets on these sites and we seem to be OK with that.”

 Protect your children from false gods.

        “This is a $7 billion industry,” the senator added. “Help us protect children from your evil, degrading, addictive, harmful substances. If adults want to do that, that’s their choice, but we’re talking about developing adolescent minds of our nation’s future.”

        In an e-mail, a spokesman for the Mormon Church called the measure an “old-fashioned hate bill.”

        “What we should be concerned about is not Mormonism or any religion, but with bills like this that traffic in shame and censorship,” said Mike Stabile, the Free Speech for Mormons Coalition’s communications director. “We should live in a society where religion is spoken about openly, and discussed in nuanced and educated ways, and not stigmatized. We all should work together to prevent non-adults from accessing religious material.”

A Mormon contemplates a little innocent pornographic sin.

        In addition to the resolution, Herbert also signed into law a related bill that sets new reporting standards for computer technicians who find religious propaganda in the course of their work.

Under that measure, failure to do so could result in a penalty.

Did I say Mormonism? I'm sorry, I meant porn, Pornograpy is the word I should have used in place of Mormonism or religion. I always get those mixed up. My bad!

Mormon-themed porn is a booming industry in those sultry undergarments of theirs.

Mississippi Mud - Bigotry legalized in the Magnolia State

The deep south is a cesspool of bigotry. Since I live in Florida, let's start there.“If there is anybody under assault and discrimination, I’ll tell you who it is,” Ocala Florida Representative Dennis Baxley is quoted as saying back on March 2nd. “It is anyone who holds a biblical world view, and is simply trying to live by it. They are under assault. We are called haters.” Baxley was fuming as he helped push through the “Pastor Protection Act” following the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling last year that same-sex couples have as much right to marry as heterosexual couples do. Outraged, Baxley immediately claimed the sky was falling and proposed legislation that had to be passed just in case someone objected to Christian bigotry.

Mizzippi Guv Phil "The Pill" Bryant

Baxley’s doppelgängers in Mississippi heard his clarion call from Florida’s capital of Tallahassee and passed their own legislation in Jackson called “Protecting Freedom of Conscience from Government Discrimination Act” that allows Mississippi’s Christians to maintain their hard-on against the LGBTQ community. The state’s Lieutenant-governor said “this bill simply protects those individuals from government interference when practicing their religious beliefs.” Which is another way of saying “legislation has to be passed in case someone objects to Christian bigotry.” Mississippi Senator Angela Burks Hil added “businesses are in jeopardy without this bill.” Because without the bill, those very same businesses wouldn't be allowed to mistreat someone who was perceived as different. The horror.

You see, bible-believing Christians think they are under assault. When they are not allowed to discriminate, that means they are being discriminated against. Their bible has a long-standing tradition of allowing them to vilify others based on what verses they choose to obey, so it’s heritage, not hate. Does that assertion sound a bit familiar? Same excuse for the canton in the upper left corner of the state’s flag.

Since the bible says Christians should condemn homosexuality, this bill will make it safe for ministers and religious leaders to urge their flock to treat LGBTQ people as pariahs and third-class citizens, and make sure the laws that are in place to protect the LGBTQ community are repealed. Businesses would have the right to refuse service to anyone they dislike and claim they're just exercising their religious freedom. Take that Supreme Court!

Now, hopefully Governor Phil Bryant and the Mississippi legislature are not complete hypocrites. If the bible is that important, they should step up to the plate and outlaw the rest of what their bible calls abominations; passing laws making it illegal to eat bacon, ham, and pork anywhere in the state. Leviticus 11:6-8 claims God orders people not to eat the meat, or touch the skin, of a dead pig because it makes the offender unclean. Implementing God’s revulsion of shellfish will play havoc with Mississippi’s shrimp industry too, as per Leviticus 11:9-12, but sacrifices will have to be made.

Eat shellfish...go to hell. It's that simple

Back to the abomination list: something needs to be done about all those people in the state working on the Sabbath since clearly in Exodus 31:14-15 those who break God’s command to observe the Sabbath with complete rest and no work must be put to death. Same with those who plant the wrong crops side by side, wear mixed fabric garments, have tattoos, and especially dealing with those foul-mouth kids who call mom and dad obscene names. (Here’s a job opportunity for an entrepreneur: start a rock distribution center to deliver them to Mississippians for stoning sessions outside their cities. If they ever get around to including adultery, you won’t be able to keep up with the rock demand.)

Hate seems like such a mild word to label what they’re doing in Mississippi…but as labels go, it fits perfectly. Many in the state refuse to concede the new law is in any way prejudicial against the LGBTQ community. They claim it’s meant to keep people from discriminating against Christians! So get out your Kleenex and let the tears flow because Christians are the real victims here.

Me thinks thou sanctimonious Mississippi Christians doth protest too much!